Live and Let Fry
by solocommand
Summary: A parody of a classic James Bond movie.
1. Part 1

Agent Dumba walked towards his lonely chicken coop, contemplating his life. He noticed the way the birds chirped along the path. Then, he remembered the task at hand. He drew his pistol, and advanced on the structure. He knew that this was a routine mission, but that it had a destructive potential. Should he take the wrong step and end up running face to face with Chicken Katanga himself, well…lets just say that would be bad.   
  
As he neared Crossbreed he suddenly noticed that there was a sudden stillness in the air. It was as if the entire word around him had stopped. He then noticed the world seem to fade away into nothingness only to reappear a mere second later. As he stood there, he found himself in the middle of a street in what looked like...Broadway?   
What am I doing here?   
As he thought these words, he turned around and noticed a parade coming up the street. He noticed the scantily clad people walking up the street towards him, prancing around and playing their instruments. He became so engrossed in their procession that he did not notice the soft footsteps behind him.  
"Tee-Hee, BAAWWKKK!"  
  
  
"James, it seems that we have lost yet another Agent to that pesky chicken!"  
Not again, groaned James Pond, "Didn't we just lose 009 yesterday, Control?" he said audibly.  
"Yes James. It seems that he is still using his heroin to blank our Agents' thoughts as he transports them. It appears to be a very effective method, however blunt."'  
Heh. Blunt. That's hilarious.  
"Are you listening to me, James?"  
"Yes, Control."  
"As you well know, you are immune to this method, as you have already been introduced into heroin, therefore, you are the best choice for this mission."  
"You will have to infiltrate Chicken Ville, find and destroy the heroin fields, and kill this rampant chicken. This is your mission, should you choose to accept it. This message will self destruct in five seconds."  
"Umm, Control? This is a radio, not a bomb."  
"Sorry, James, It's a habit."  
  
  
As His 747 landed with a subtle thud, James put down his copy of Esquire magazine and looked at the dead chicken cleverly disguised as a homeless man lying in the seat next to him. So far, there had only been two attempts on his life. This chicken, and the stewardess who had so politely poisoned his drink. As he disembarked, he noticed a cab with the vanity plate "008 r0x0r". He walked over to the cab, got in, and showed the man the wad of cash he'd get if he took him to the British Embassy. The man's eyes had a faint twinkle in them as he turned onto the freeway.  
They then continued on the freeway for another quarter-hour. James passed the time yet again by pulling out his magazine and flipping through the pages. Unnoticed by the occupants, a white Land Rover pulled alongside them. The driver, a young looking, fat black man had a poison dart gun inside of his side mirror. He matched speed with the driver of the cab, waiting for the right moment-then he took his shot, and sped away.  
James remained oblivious to the incident for several moments, because it was a relatively straight stretch of highway. But, when the car suddenly zoomed straight towards the dividing concrete wall, he sprung into motion. He jumped forward, twisting the wheel hard to the right, and keeping it on line with the road as he made his own way to the Embassy, straight through the marketplace. Finally, he saw it up ahead, but realized that the man's foot was still depressing the acceleration pedal! He thought up a plan, and put it into action. He sped straight towards the step and glass doors. The taxicab hit the stairs, and vaulted up them though the glass doors. He finally stopped the wildly careening car against one of the several stone pillars inside the building. He got out of the car, dusted off his jacket, and walked into an office.  
"James! What the hell were you thinking?!"  
"Hello, M. It's nice to see you too" 


	2. Part 2

"Okay, James, you have your assignment, right?"  
"Yes, M."  
"Good, now get going."  
"Yes, M."  
James left the office to find that the car had been taken away and the rubble cleaned up. He was not surprised at the efficiency of M's agents. He left the Embassy, and took a cab to the airport.  
  
  
As his plane landed in Chicago, he gave a sad smile at the stewardess whose life he had saved, and at the 3 other not so lucky attackers. Then he went looking for a trace of Katanga.   
  
  
When he found what he was looking for, it led him to an obscure voodoo island in the West Indies. He was glad that government money was paying for his expenses, he did not want to cover the cost of all this. When he landed in the island, he went he the best hotel he could find, (a big shack) and checked in. he bought a room, and was surprised to hear that a Mrs. Pond was waiting for him. So, he went into his room, and took a shower. When he came out, he noticed many strange looking chicken-made listening devices. Then, Mrs. Pond stepped into the room with a handgun, and was promptly disarmed. James soon found that this Mrs. Pond had been sent by M to keep watch over him. He told her to stay there, and he went scouting around the island. He discovered that roughly three fourths of it was a heroin field covered in some kind of tarp that looked like foliage. The main festivities of the island; however, started with the dancing. Chickens of all ages were invited to come and dance the ravage ritual of the night. James and Mrs. Pond (Angie was her real name) continued their search for Katanga. They traveled in a boat belonging to an undercover Agent, and found out exactly where to find him. James, of course, had to go parasailing, and then flew over to Katanga's hideout.  
  
  
Now in the meantime, Euchre, the famous card-playing chicken, had been telling the future with her tarot cards. She foresaw that he would come, and he did. She also foresaw the future for her boss, Katanga. It was not a good death, either. But she would not tell him this. Then she went to bed. When she awoke, she saw James sitting in her chair, playing with her tarot cards. She was enraged as he blasphemed:  
"Want some card, Euchre."  
She took a card, and looked at him with horror. It was the card of Transformation. She suddenly was changed from the chicken that everyone knew, to a strikingly beautiful woman.  
"Want some more?!"  
She drew again, and again a look of horror passed her face. The cards had never lied, but how could this be true? How could it be!? It was the card of Love.  
  
  
Angie had tried to protect him while they went on a trek through the woods, but had died instead of him. So now, Euchre accompanied him in his quest for Katanga. She led him to a place where she had never been, but where the cards had showed her. It was the secret refinery for the heroin. She led him inside. 


	3. Part 3

Once inside, Katanga's forces promptly abducted them. They took Euchre out to meet with Katanga, and stuck James on a sandbar in a pond infested with crocodiles. James; however, using his quick thinking and idiocy to run on top of the crocs and get out of the pond. James then radioed to M and told him the location of the heroin fields. The sent a man to go blow them up. In the meantime; however, James was more worried about Euchre. Finally, he found her and rescued her. As they tried to escape, they ran straight through the ceremony. They discovered that there were holes in the ground that led to some underground chamber, so they jumped down one. They fought their way through the compound, trying to find a boat with which to escape. But when they walked into the underground chamber that had such a machine, they saw Katanga standing in the way. He had his henchmen tie them to a crate-moving frame, and then expected to lower them into a shark pool. But James had other ideas. He took his magnet watch (which was also a spinning blade thingy) and cut his ropes. He jumped off, and kicked in one mans face. Then, he fought with Katanga. They fell into the water, and James used his last remaining shark fighting pellet on Katanga. He forced it down his mouth and then swam away. Katanga swelled up like a balloon, started to fly up above the water, then he popped. James rescued Euchre, and they ran away.   
  
  
  
As they got on the train to go back to the Embassy, they watched on the news how Katanga's heroin field was destroyed. Then, they prepared to go to bed. But Tee-Hee, the magical chicken-henchman with a metal foot, had other ideas, too. He broke in, and started fighting James. He was quickly subdued, thereby sealing the fate of evil and displaying the goodness we can all accomplish if we try. 


End file.
